I originally posted on Kuro5hin.
I practice Surat Shabda Yoga, or Union (Yoga) of the Awareness (Surat) with the Light & Sound (Shabda- literally translates to "Word").
My experience of Surat Shabda Yoga is quite unusual, and difficult to repeat.
Here is my longer story made long.
When I was in 2nd grade, I was having a hard time gripping the concept of death. It was difficult from a phenomonological view: How can you understand what it is to be dead, when it implies a complete lack of being? I'd try and watch the interval between going to bed and waking up, but it didn't work. I asked my dad if there was anyone who knew about this kind of problem, and he looked sort of grave, and then, said, "Well, there is church." I asked if I could go to whatever this place was, and he said, "Well, yes." We never went.
I got into the occult, as I quickly learned from various people that church is extremely controversial, but most adults seemed to agree on the subject of the occult: It existed, was dangerous, but had verifiable answers. I was deeply interested in Science at the same time- I read mathematical books, the Phantom Tollbooth, books about how to program computers, simple physics for children, biology books, astronomy books. I didn't yet know how condemning the scientific community was of the occult (that would come much later). I liked the scientific method. So, the obvious thinhg to do was to actually play with the occult.
I met Joel Ford (my best friend) in an experience of mutual deja vu, and we talked about the occult a lot, experiments with dreams, ESP, telepathy, all kinds of things, as well as about how to program computer games, get the "Black Dot" in Adventure (Atari 2600 games), and occasionally venturing to talk about girls.
I continued to read Science books and Fantasy/Mystic books, such as A Wrinkle in Time.
In Junior High, I had my first and only shared dream ever, with said Joel Ford. We met each other in the morning, and began recounting our dream to each other. We spoke each other's words before we spoke them ourselves; We took turns continuing the narration.
Science, Games, and Mysticism continued to be at the front of my attention as I grew up. I didn't like my time at High School, save my Senior year (Who doesn't like the sudden popularity and admiration of young girls that being a Senior brings? But there were deeper changes within me as well.) I was largely depressed. The school system did not work for me; I got mostly B's and C's, despite the happy and encouraging teachers' attention. I took AP and Honors classes, but didn't really see the point to it. I've written elsewhere here about how school systems are near incapable of giving an integrated education, and why I believe that our social environment is the cause of teenage strife, rather than brain chemistry. (It's a social illusion that teenage years must be painful; Teenagers are ostracised to no end.) Being a mystic in High School is a strange experience. I was reading Zen, Aleister Crowley, various Hindu paths, Richard Bach, Christian Mystics (Meister Eckhart, Doestky, Madeline Le' Engle, C.S. Lewis), NeoPlatonism, Gnosticism, the Book of Changes, various new age teachings (mostly Robert Bruce, some Carlos Castaneda), Buddhism (Thich Nat Hahn), The Little Prince, all kinds of stuff; this is just a scratch of the surface. It's too bad Harry Potter wasn't around then.
Note also that in this time, I am working with Science, and in particular, Computer SCience, and Mathematics. In the back of my mind, I am trying to build an Aware Computer. Not seriously, not grandiosly, I'm just trying to figure- How can I make this computation/equation aware? Everyone says it can be done (except for close minded religious bigots)- Can it be done? How do I do it? This is an issue that is critical, and will come up time and time again, but most importantly, when I am in college and need to reconcile Spiritualism with Science.
I didn't have the integrity at this point to link what I was reading to my school work. That's the way school's fail: We get this split view of the world: What we learn (on our own), and What we are indoctrinated with (what's taught at school). It didn't even ever occurr to me to link them together. Even if it did, it would have been hard: Schools are built on unspoken assumptions that make this kind of integration incredibly difficult. (More on my skepticism of organized education, especially state education, later.) When I went to school, it was like this: School exists in it's own little box, which is seperate from the rest of the world. Anything I learned outside of the box immediately disappeared to my consciousness. Everything that I learned inside the box immediately became the sum of what existed. That was the spirit in which my work was done, and that's the spirit that most people's work is done. School is totally disconnected from Reality.
More (most?) subtle, but equally important, I was playing the Final Fantasy series by Square soft. I didn't recognize anything important going on here, but looking back, I see this as a critical element of my development. Laugh if you will, but there's something really deep in there; Final Fantasy is an entity that if cast into your spirit, will trace intense ripples. I doubt it would work if it were a conscious effort, though. I have yet to see anyone write books on the subject; I'll let it pass for now.
I eventually came across ECKANKAR and Paul Twitchell. I learned about the ECKANKAR controversy shortly, as I got my Internet connection, but such things aren't important when you are dealing with something really fascinating. Imagine if a scientist showed you a really cool machine, but he was also a lech (Spirit of Wonder; Excellent read). Only a fool would ignore the amazing machine because the guy was a lech. I read everything I could that Paul Twitchell wrote, but in particular I want to note "The Tiger's Fang", "The Spiritual Notebook", and "Key to Secret Worlds". Because Paul Twitchell cribbed so much from other books, these books are being removed by ECKANKAR from circulation; It's too embarrasing for the org. Too bad; Even though half the material is cribbed, it's well put together, and incredibly insightful. If you can find them and are interested in this stuff, steal them if you can't buy them.
It took several years to digest what I read in a few months.
I tried to get involved with ECKANKAR org, knowing full well the problems inherent in it, but was denied, because I was under 18, and they don't want problems with parents. I discovered Michael Turner on the Internet news groups, and established a correspondence with him that continues to this day.
My meditations were filled with blue light and the sound of the bells. I saw astral creatures here and there. Meditation was-... Really Interesting. Incidentally, I did no drugs (save having sugar on my toast) this whole time. Realize that there are absolutely no drugs present here. Modern western mystics need to remove the drug component from their teachings, because it destroys the credibility of their inner experiences.
I applied to and was accepted to go to Harvey Mudd College, the best Science school on Earth. I know of no better place to learn science. I've visited my friends at Stanford and Berkeley. I've read about MIT and CalTech. From everything that I've read and seen, HMC is the very best. Once a Mudder, Always a Mudder. You have to see it to understand it.
I was initiated by Michael Turner into the Surat Shabda Yoga (Union of the Awareness with the Light & Sound) after I called him at three in the morning following a lucid dream experience that left me drenched in sweat.
At Mudd, I learned most intensily the extremes of beliefs that scientists hold for mysticism. There's a myth that the scientific community is Iron Clad Solidly Against mysticism. While that is true from a journalistic standpoint, I can tell you that it is anything but true from an insider perspective. Most Scientists in our past have had all sorts of wild ideas and speculations, you really don't have to look far. Just pick a scientist from the past, and explore their ideas. It doesn't take long to find one that was a Free Thinker, even in the religious/spiritual/mystic domain. (Also, btw, mathematical rigour and formalism only became popular within the last two centuries; That Rigour is more important than Intuition is just a fashion of our day- I hope!)
I was entertaining pet notions that perhaps in Quantum Mechanics, we'd find the interface between Awareness and the Universe. I no longer believe that this is fruitful; Let me stress the M in QM. Quantum Mechanics is just another set of equations, just another Turing Machine (to take a leaf out of Princess Nell's illustrated book). While those equations are "magical" to us because they are occult (that is, not understood by most folk), they are just a set of equations, and bring us no closer to the mystery of Awareness than any other set of equations.
The perplexity of Awareness is ultimately what connects the world of Spirit to the world of Matter. The Gnostics are right; Awareness is a foreign entity to these worlds of mechanics and possibility. Awareness is a pair of eyes passing over an equation, giving momentary reality to the variable "t". The Scientists can't figure out Awareness, and never will, any more than someone will invent a tool or idea that will be able to show that this universe is nothing but a Dream. (Urusei Yatsura ][: Beautiful Dreamer, is recommended Anime, btw.)
My training continued through college.
Because I took 21 units of Mudd curriculum, including AF*ROTC (Air Force ROTC- what the fuck was I thinking?!) which demanded waking at 5:00am so I could take the mandatory trip to USC, I failed two classes. I took Physics ("Mechanics") again next semester and did wonderfully with an A, and I got a B in Physics ("Mechanics 2", mostly angular stuff and special relativity). Chemistry though- I couldn't take it again until next year. When I got a C- in chemistry the following year, they decided that I was ITR (Inelligible to Reregister): You have to pass Chemistry by your sophomore year, or you can't graduate. Apparently, my C- wasn't good enough. (I have since taken Chemistry again at UW, strangely taught by Christine Loftus, a girl who was a Mudd Senior while I was a Mudd Frosh, and got a 3.5/4.0; I Love Chemistry, but have difficulty with how it's taught, which borders on nightmare.) So, I failed out of Mudd.
Incidentally, my best friend from HMC, Whit Myers, was at (or at the very least, near) the top of my class. We still keep in very close contact, about 1-2 phone calls every two weeks. He's getting his PhD in Physics at Berkeley, researching SQUIDs. Small Quantum Interference Devices, I believe. He comes and visits up here every now and then, we split costs. We talk about Science, Culture, and Anime together. He understands my perspective, and it is somewhat similar to his own. I say this so that you know I'm not an ign'ant superstitious person. If I were, Whit wouldn't associate with me. Since our society respects Physics PhD's as valid indicators of intelligence and even an almost religious and ethical authority (after all it was the Physics PhD's who "proved" for most people that God doesn't exist, whatever the word God means), I list him here.
I went to work in the Games industry, where I had a lot of fun. Throughout all of this, my mystic studies and meditations are continuing.
I come across the I AM, and study fervently. Some amusing and embarrasing experiences at work; Thank God everyone was so kind and understanding there. (Small team, friendly people, and Hey, It was Santa Cruz.) I was trying to get to the root of enlightenment.
Some time near the end of 1998 (or 1999?) I realized the I AM. A description of what happened thereafter is hard to render; not because it is beyond description, but just because the description would take way to long and would consume a book, which I will spare everyone.
I had considered that I had reached enlightenment, since the I AM is the destination of HOARDS of world religions, in particular the Old Testament (God's Name is "I AM"), the Mormons (Mormon literature is replete with evidence of the I AM as the central crux), almost all New Age/Occult Psychology, Hinduism (Atman/Brahman), Monism (coming from a psychological angle), yadda yadda yadda.
I called Michael to tell him that I was done, that I was dissociating from the Shabda Yoga, having taken it to it's extreme, only to be told, in effect, "Oh, welcome to square 1. Good. This is why we say that the Shabda Yoga (Union of the Awareness with the Word) starts where most other paths end." Incidentally, the New Testimate is based beyond the I AM (Though the book of Matthew has plenty of evidence and references to the I AM in the form of manipulations of reality through prayer/affermation- Read this stuff, it's all there, its rather intense) as well, and I think that lends to the modern day strength of Christianity, though the vast majority of Christians that I have met do not follow.
My spirituality completely took a dive beneath my consiousness, and for many months, I stabilized myself in the world. That was an overload, since then my spirituality has been mostly out of view of my conscious attention. It's there; I feel it; It peaks it's head up now and then for a few weeks at a time, and then goes back underwater again. It's a strange sensation. I think that the I AM thing was just a bit too much, and it's going underwater for a few years.
I continue to meditate on the Light and Sound, though not nearly as frequently as I used to. I have just born a daughter ("Sakura"), my conscious attention is on outer issues for the most part immediately. I am studying Confucius and Mark Twain immediately; Both people with inner ties, (YEP!, Mark Twain too; He's a closet mystic; and Confucism rests entirely on the Tao) but few overt proclamations to these ties.
Sakura is made out of Love.
Well, there's my story, in a very large (but relatively small) nutshell.
You can read about Surat Shabda Yoga with Michael Turner on a server I host, or my own personal web pages.
Other than that, there's my story.
Learn about the Light and Sound. Discover the Ocean of Love and Mercy. Meditate, and Explore Inner Worlds.
If you reach the I AM, or already have, continue on; The I Am is just the Lord of Mind speaking through you. The Ocean of Love is way beyond it, as far from Mind as Kabir's boat is from Reason. (Not that there's anything irrational about the Ocean of Love, but by the power of Reason alone, it cannot be reached. That doesn't mean we can't be scientific about it, applying experiments and seeing things for ourselves.)
From your post, you have good training and vision. Continue. Follow the Golden Thread. From what you have said, you have been able to discriminate the good from the bad. This is excellent and a sign of appreciation of subtlety and intelligence.
Commune with the Life Stream.