by Keith Sonnanburg, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
"Self-esteem" is often considered to be a pre-requisite for successful living. For decades, parents have worried over the self-esteem of their children, and teachers have been coached in ways to foster self-esteem among their students. Much of popular psychology has targeted the "private speech" of individuals who are deemed to have self-esteem as models to be mimicked. Clients often come to me with the complaint that they are disadvantaged in their portion of this prized trait. They assume that if you are the proud possessor of this ephemeral quality, you will be able to achieve, enjoy life, and prosper.
Self-esteem is not a thing to be snared so you will be blessed with some magical power. Instead it is something that you do. That is, when you esteem yourself favorably you are described as having good self-esteem. What does it mean: to esteem yourself?
The word "esteem" shares its derivation with the word "estimate." The common Latin root verb is aestimare (i.e., to value). To esteem yourself you must determine your value. Important feelings of self-regard result from assessing your own value against standards of competence, worth, influence, social status and moral standing to which you ascribe.
Assessing the value of an appraised object (even if the "object" is a self), contributes to forming an attitude towards that object. An attitude has several psychological components: beliefs, emotional valences, and behavioral dispositions. Attitudes are modified and maintained via acting in the environment. Attitudes are learned from, and influenced by, reference groups (e.g., peers). Attitudes are shaped and retained by acquired beliefs. Attitudes are based on your own experiences, as well as those of others.
One conclusion of this analysis is: by setting goals that are in accord with your own values you can earn esteem from yourself (by gradually learning to act in closer agreement with those values which you hold dear). Self-esteem evolves as a consequence of learning to bring your performance into greater conformance with your appraisals. The "self-talk" that then arises is an honest description, rather than a recital of hopeful pronouncements (e.g., "affirmations").