Making Peace

by Keith Sonnanburg, Ph.D.

Conflict is inevitable. War and strife are not. Conflict occurs when there are competing desires. We can experience conflict with ourselves due to multiple wants or aversions which are difficult to reconcile. We are perhaps more prone to experience conflict with others due to simultaneous wishes for the same objects or goals. Such conflict can be resolved in an amicable way, or escalate into battle. Battle is a cooperative enterprise. If one party won't play, it will be a time-limited affair.

Ways to contribute to ongoing conflict include:

1. Maintaining a Win/Lose perspective of the expected outcome; if you seek to conquer or humiliate another, you will make enemies and conflict is likely to continue.
2. Blaming others for problems or grudge-collecting never leads to solutions. However, this is likely to prompt others to blame the blamer in return.
3. Ignoring grievances which may be explicit or implicit will add fuel to ire. Discounting a grievance as irrelevant or irrational inspires escalation.
4. Arguing positions or beliefs is not productive during heated conflict. People become more rigid during hostile conflict, and so are less likely to change.
5. Mismatched communications of verbal and non-verbal behaviors do not engender trust.
   

The most important tool for resolving conflict is our own behavior. Positive ways of resolving conflict include:

1. Achieving a Win/Win perspective of the expected outcome; listening, observing, and gathering information improves the chances for cooperating toward mutual goals. Compromise (which attempts the equal distribution of pain) is highly overrated.
2. Claiming the life you want is more satisfying than blaming. The "best revenge" is living well (rather than getting even). Instead of seeking to punish someone, cooperatively seek what you want from them and know how you would be willing to settle.
3. Accept emotions. Self-esteem is risked in conflict. Vulnerability lingers from past injuries. Accepting emotions as inarguable facts is the most fruitful policy.
4. Focus on assertive disclosure, interdependent negotiation, and addressing single issues on a timely basis. These are each productive strategies.
5. Display congruence between your emotions and your behaviors. Take inventory of your feelings, intentions, and goals. Take responsibility for your own responses.

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   Copyright © Keith Sonnanburg, 1996