by Keith Sonnanburg, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist
Emotional intimacy is a delicate treasure found in various human relationships. Children crave it from their parents. Parents hope for a return of the favor. Friends enjoy it with their special confidants. It is highly prized by loving couples. Mentors, teachers, coaches, clergy, therapists, and others are privileged by intimate revelations which need not be reciprocated.
I was quite surprised when my work with war veterans revealed a very apt metaphor for loving intimacy. I was struck by the quality of responses that veterans had to the emotional bonds formed with their comrades in arms. In particular, the phrase "360 man" was often associated with a special connection to certain individuals, which seemed never to be matched by other relationships before or since.
Imagine yourself in a foxhole, scanning the perimeter of your position for enemy intruders. Boredom and fatigue take their toll. If unwary, you and your fellows may be ambushed. Even if you remain vigilant, there is a constant area of vulnerability -- your back. That is the hole which your "360 man" will fill. With a trusted comrade at your back, the two of you can survey a complete 360 degrees of territory. In whom will you trust? The first time out, there is no basis for judging who will be trustworthy. Yet, your life is literally in the hands (and senses) of the one to whom you turn your back!
Emotional intimacy requires that you expose your most vulnerable aspects to another. It's a risky prospect. The only way to discern trustworthiness is to gauge the response to risks you take. In testing and building trust over time, a strong bond is formed. What are the vulnerable areas of our lives, and how do we expose these?
In our closest relationships, we seek safety, acceptance of who we are, and the status of being valued by another person. "Safety" includes being safe from betrayal and intentional harm. We depend on honesty, commitment and discretion from others to maintain our sense of interpersonal safety. "Acceptance" means freedom from being judged as bad, worthless, or incompetent. We know we are valued when another knows the particular character of our lives and then finds us desirable or important to them.
The vulnerable information we can risk exposing is unknowable by others until we take initiative to disclose it. Included are: our beliefs, our emotional reactions, our values, and our goals. We risk ridicule, rejection, censure, and interference when we reveal these commonplace "secrets" that everyone harbors. Generally trust builds as we take small risks with someone who demonstrates the care and consideration we hope to receive over time. A reciprocal risk from a partner encourages further disclosures of our own. Intimate knowledge and caring grow as a result.